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[11 Sep 2005|06:17am] |
Watched a bunch of cop shows. Freeway chases, LAPD, busting dope heads. I get a mixture of sadness from the criminal behavior and distate for police officers. On one hand, the old man's eyes make me sad that just moments ago I thought his abductor was "hot" and I also got sad that I too have done mean things, and may possibly do worse things. On the other hand, I can't escape the fact that I flirt with the law and might get in big trouble one day. Seriously. I am not very careful with what I do. Also, on one hand I see crack and ice heads and think how sad it must be to be one, but on the other hand, I can't guarentee that I won't become one! The number one reason I want to move back to humboldt is THE DRUGS. I tell everyone it's because of my friends, but that's only secondary. I want to have pot all the time, and friends to share cocaine with (instead of just snorting alone) and recreational drugs at my disposal. I had fun on them and now I can't get them off my mind. I am even going to start working for a few months so I can move back and experience that unpredictable lifestyle. It's fun and not very dangerous. It's definitely not a seedy lifestyle such as that in LA. It's relatively safe, but fun. I think that's all I want. Sometimes I scold myself for not being cruel enough, and sometimes I hate myself for being even the smallest bit cruel. Kicking my dog is just one example. He was whining and scratching at my dad's door for ages so I finally got up and kicked him lightly so he'd stop. When my dad asked if I did so, I said I accidently stepped on his foot. My dad is not too bright.
One thing I hope to never do is heroin. If I ever do that, may god help me.
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[09 Sep 2005|02:16am] |
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im so bored. i want to go out right now, but WITH WHO??? Life is killing me being alone. We all need somebody to love.
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[09 Sep 2005|01:33am] |
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went down to venice, walked miles in the water, wanted to take off my pants so i could go further in the water but remembered that i had a thong on and thongs on the beach= not classy to my standards. so i got busy, got down to business, did a little cheech and chong, smelled a little white powder, wanted to talk to someone, but felt nervous.... what girl goes up to random guys and TALKS TO THEM?! i am not shy at all but motherhell its difficult turning strangers into buddies. well it's not really. i have to pick them safely and all that
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[03 Sep 2005|10:13am] |
I had a dream that I cheated with someone's husband and we ran around cheating.
I'm so horny.
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[01 Sep 2005|07:59pm] |
I'm almost like a guy or a stalker in the way I prowl my environment. I go out at night and look for people to talk to. When I'm not feeling outgoing, I'll drive and blast my music and then sit in my car and wait for someone to come around. Or I walk into a coffee shop or book store and try to find attractive guys. But every guy my age I see has a girl with him. I feel like there are no single guys in the universe. An insanely hot guy was interested in me but he had a girl so it didn't work out. I had a crush on two other people aside from him and THEY were both taken as well! What the flying flippity fuck! And of course every guy I couldn't fathom being with in a lifetime was interested in me. What does this all mean?
Virgin for life.
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[01 Sep 2005|07:44pm] |
I just talked to my mom. I admitted to her that I want to hurt people. It was the first time I've admitted to a family member that desire. And it only stems from my utter feelings of worthlessness in myself. She knows that. She said the hardest part of her being my mother is watching me not care about anyone because I don't care about myself. AND THEN SHE SAID "You dont even care about your dogs anymore!" and I wanted to tell her, yes, that's true. I no longer like animals and I even hurt some. I did... for no reason. Maybe it's because I'm evil, or maybe it's because I felt overwhelmed. I don't even empathize with the hurricane victims and consider that they probably were at least all in love and happy at some point. I was late to my therapist appointment and just felt insane. My goal in the very very near future is to get a job so I can remake social contacts and not feel so alone.
I hate to say it, but if I had marijuana I could get through these hard times. I've never smoked cigarettes, but pot has calmed me down in such a positive way, and now I can't even do that. When it comes to breaking the law or killing myself and others in a car crash because I was crying and outraged, then I'd rather break the law. I'm just saying. Oh dear. Well, I rented School of Rock because I live for rock music and it might bring up my spirits.
Angus Young... is a man I would do in a second.
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[31 Aug 2005|06:28pm] |
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AC/DC IS THE BEST BAND IN THE WORLD
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[31 Aug 2005|06:24pm] |
I just want to murder people sometimes.
I know what it's like to be happy and thus not want to murder people. But my happiness is such a short period in contrast to the majority of time where I feel like shit. I'm not ugly or diseased or overweight.... but I FEEL like it. I feel as pathetic as the loser who has no friends and kills himself. I've made friends before but now I have none. I just feel like doing something extreme. I could even OD for all I know or care. I do the stupidest things to feel something.
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[30 Aug 2005|10:52pm] |
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nobody cares about me. my parents are helpless. they claim to want family meetings, and then sit stupidly around the house and never bother to say one word. when my mom does say something to me, its "dad and i are going to costa rica" or "hey, i got the job" while walking away. Okay. Great. I've tried very hard to reach some therapists to talk about certain things, but no one has called me back. Obviously they dont need more money because they dont need more clients. And I go outside in order to meet people, and I never meet anyone. I guess I feel like I'm continually breaking down or doing nothing. Obviously no one cares at all. If they did..... I'd be talking about my issues, my parents would see how lifeless and sad I've become (again), a guy would approach me when I go outside, AND a therapist would help me from killing other people, if not myself. I don't ask for much except care. As long as someone in the world cared about me, I might feel alright.
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[27 Aug 2005|04:49am] |
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WOW LIFE IS SO COOL HAHAHA. I love the fact that I left all my friends and all my happiness and my life on the other side of the state. WOW IT WAS SO WORTH IT. I'm feeling very infuriated at times, especially when coming down, and I feel like killing. I haven't yelled at my parents for the majority of time since I've been home, but at times I get angry. My dad wants me to burn him an Elvis CD. I can't even say I love him. I don't love my own fucking father. Him and my mom are just there. I don't love them. I know I am a pretty girl, but I don't love anyone. I've never even had a boyfriend. I've had people want to get with me, but if you don't approve of yourself, it's near impossible to allow someone else to. I want to meet some friends and a boyfriend. I want to not feel good, then go out with all intentions of meeting people, and having it fail EVERY SINGLE TIME. Where the fuck do kids hang out in suburbia?! Mcdonalds, the mall, Borders? It is so fucking boring. I smoke myself out and try to be cool by having other cars hear my good music. But it's no use. Nobody recognizes my songs enough to call out to me. When I walk or run at 3 am, nobody stops me. Not even a pedophile creep. What the fuck is wrong with the world.
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[25 Aug 2005|08:45am] |
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So I guess I'm supposed to be calling a therapist. I keep putting it off. I want to learn the guitar SO BAD. I listen to music almost 24/7. In fact, I even refrained from exercising energy off that I gained from it in order to sit and keep listening. I am so fucked up and mean sometimes.
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[24 Aug 2005|07:10pm] |
HUMMER.
I woke up to Hotel California by the eagles and was creeped out. I was laying peacefully on my bed sleeping and that song came on. It stirred me to a subconcious state, but I swear I hurried out of the room towards the end because I was too scared........ imagine that.
I wrote so much about music and sex and feelings in my organizer. That's not surprising since I was HIGH. "God sex anger music". Well shit, I had such good stuff planned for today, and I became lethargic at around 9 am. That means it's 7 and I'm just now about to go out...
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[23 Aug 2005|05:18am] |
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COME ON BABY DONT FEAR THE REAPER
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[22 Aug 2005|09:21pm] |
I changed my usual classic rock music for some softer stuff as of late. There was a blues jam session on the radio, and that was good. It was promoting Bowlful of Blues in Ventura, which I might go to. Aside from that I've been listening to Eric Clapton, Bob Dylan, Stevie Wonder, Van Morrison, Chuck Berry. Right now I'm listening to Black Sabboth which isn't a band I've listened to a lot in the past, despite having their records. I should give AC/DC their deserved break, but they are too good of a band!
I am still putting off everything I need to do. I lend people hundreds of dollars like it's no big deal, when I need the money just as bad as them. I never ask for it back either. I don't care about a lot of things. I tried so hard to get high today, but after a while my resin wasn't lighting. Which made me angry at the person who I fronted to. If he had returned my calls, I might be happy now.... All it takes for me to be at ease in the world is a bowl and some music. Not being stoned is withdrawl to the max. It sucks. I'm doing coke now because hey, I can't smoke. And I can't buy alcohol either, so I plan to steal some beers or whiskey for myself. I feel like I can't GO OUTSIDE and be CONFIDENT and APPROACHABLE without first rendering my senses. Beer, drugs, lack of sleep, food, whatever! I skip a day or two of eating but then I eat a lot in one sitting. I don't eat for pleasure. If I'm hungry and have no food, I stop at Safeway and get something simple. I am not about throwing down tons of money on lavish meals. Fuck that. I love drugs and I miss them. I want to go to more festivals and parties. That requires me to either move back up north or just wing it alone. Who wants to go to parties alone?
I went to a hollywood club by myself. Not kidding you. I did hang out with two guys, but it wasn't the same as having a buddy. I just wish people wouldn't think not knowing someone is such a big hindrance. "Hello" "Hey" "What's up, wanna hang/go for a drive?" "Yeah" "Cool!" WOOOOOOOW. I wish other people felt the same way I do about making friends.
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